between reality and dreams ..

when i was 16, my mom warned me to not get into a relationship at such a young age.
i didn’t understand why then. i just thought she was old-fashioned.

(almost) 5 years on, i now understand.
it’s the attachment you get with that person.
especially when you’ve shared so much emotionally (and/or physically) with that person.

i feel like i’m at a battle with the past and future right now.
my future is telling me, i need to detach myself, if ever i want to have a solid relationship with my future partner.
my past is telling me .. actually the past isn’t saying anything. the past is just there, and it’s showing all the good that has come out of the attachment.

the world says, forget the past and present. live for today.
but i can’t do that, for my actions today, will have consequences tomorrow.

and the battle continues.

sometimes i know the answer is staring right at my face, but i’m just too stubborn and cowardice to make the right move.

a sign of lack of faith?

i had an uneventful day.

and yet, i felt calm, at peace, and smiled a lot for no particular reason.
total opposite of how i felt before i went to bed.

i have multiple blogs. i write a bit of everything in everywhere.
just like how i tell a bit of things to different friends.

i don’t know why i can’t be totally honest.
why do i feel the need to hide?

i feel i can’t be totally honest in my blog anymore.

where once i would blab every single thing in it, now i struggle to even say anything.

this blog has become purposeless. even if i read it again in the future, it wouldn’t have made a difference because most of the entries have become so meaningless, and totally no substance.

will i stop blogging completely? i doubt it. it’s been part of my lifestyle since Aug 2002. which makes it 3 years already.

i wonder if it’s pride that’s keeping me from pouring out my heart.
or whether, some things are better left unsaid.

i think i’m becoming more self-dependant in an unhealthy way. because as a Christian, i should be depending on Him. and i should not rely on my strength, but have faith that He’ll help me thru anything.

but there’s where i am a hypocrite.
i say i believe, but i live otherwise.

and that is why, i think i get tired so easily.
because i rely on myself.

i have all the cliches, the Christian textbook answers.
i talk the talk, but not walk the talk.
hypocrite.

pride comes before a fall.

will i fall flat on my face?
or will i manage to stand firm instead of falling?
only time will tell.

just when i say i can’t be totally honest, i start pouring out a section of what i’ve been struggling with. looks like this blog does serve its purpose after all

for some reason, the lousiest ads have the biggest impact on me.

like, the victory curtains and blinds radio ad.
“Victory, victory, curtains and blinds, one three one three double nine.”
Go to their site, you can listen to it.

how about the Shannon’s insurance one.
“Shannons, one three nine, oh oh six”

watching/listening to those ads, you’d think they’re really bad advertising, but when i look back, i suppose they are good ads, because their telephone numbers are now permenantly stuck in my head.

then there’s really stupid ads like the mcdonald’s cajun mcnuggets one.
where they have 6 ppl trying the nuggets, and dipping it into the spicy sauce. and after eating it, they all rush to different source of waters. (fish bowl, vase, and i can’t remember what)
the ad is so stupid, yet after watching it so many times in a day, i couldn’t help myself getting a pack after sending weipz home.
it didn’t help that i passed 3 McDonald’s when i sent her home. and 2 of them were still open.

and when i think of good ads, those really nice and creative ones, i realise that they do nothing to me other than me saying, “hey that’s a nice ad. i like it.”

so, i guess i must be stupid to have stupid advertisements have an impact on me.