between reality and dreams ..

a week and a half of hols, and i’ve barely done anything productive.
house’s a mess. lecture notes not touched.

it doesn’t help that every other show i watch has started a new season too.
gilmore girls. house. desperate housewives. er. grey’s anatomy.

i spent $20 on food today.
pacific house roast duck. it was worth it.

$8.50 for laksa with clams yesterday.
satisfaction.

DFO shopping tmr.
i need a job.

i just never seem to have enough time … how come?

when i was 16, my mom warned me to not get into a relationship at such a young age.
i didn’t understand why then. i just thought she was old-fashioned.

(almost) 5 years on, i now understand.
it’s the attachment you get with that person.
especially when you’ve shared so much emotionally (and/or physically) with that person.

i feel like i’m at a battle with the past and future right now.
my future is telling me, i need to detach myself, if ever i want to have a solid relationship with my future partner.
my past is telling me .. actually the past isn’t saying anything. the past is just there, and it’s showing all the good that has come out of the attachment.

the world says, forget the past and present. live for today.
but i can’t do that, for my actions today, will have consequences tomorrow.

and the battle continues.

sometimes i know the answer is staring right at my face, but i’m just too stubborn and cowardice to make the right move.

a sign of lack of faith?

i spent a good part of the weekend with awesome company.

and then the other part was spent catching up on sleep at home.

and it’s during this other part, when i feel, incomplete.
i just don’t get what’s missing.
i’ve a loving family, awesome friends, a relationship with God. what else do i need?
shouldn’t this be enough?

there are times when i question people’s sincerity.
call me insecure, but i really wonder, if they sincerely care for me for who i am?
or do they feel i’m someone they have to take care of, because of who i am related to?
as in, because my brother’s a good friend of theirs, they feel its their duty to look out for me?

sometimes i just wish that my friends are mine, and his friends are his.

a friend keeps reminding me, never put yourself down.

but over the weekend, i can’t help but feel like i’m not good enough.
i can be so much more, but i just am not.
i’m trying so hard to avoid comparing myself to my siblings, but i can’t.

i wish i could just reformat my whole life.
and re-install the good bits.
and erase the bad.
and add in better stuff.