between reality and dreams ..

i feel i can’t be totally honest in my blog anymore.

where once i would blab every single thing in it, now i struggle to even say anything.

this blog has become purposeless. even if i read it again in the future, it wouldn’t have made a difference because most of the entries have become so meaningless, and totally no substance.

will i stop blogging completely? i doubt it. it’s been part of my lifestyle since Aug 2002. which makes it 3 years already.

i wonder if it’s pride that’s keeping me from pouring out my heart.
or whether, some things are better left unsaid.

i think i’m becoming more self-dependant in an unhealthy way. because as a Christian, i should be depending on Him. and i should not rely on my strength, but have faith that He’ll help me thru anything.

but there’s where i am a hypocrite.
i say i believe, but i live otherwise.

and that is why, i think i get tired so easily.
because i rely on myself.

i have all the cliches, the Christian textbook answers.
i talk the talk, but not walk the talk.
hypocrite.

pride comes before a fall.

will i fall flat on my face?
or will i manage to stand firm instead of falling?
only time will tell.

just when i say i can’t be totally honest, i start pouring out a section of what i’ve been struggling with. looks like this blog does serve its purpose after all

for some reason, the lousiest ads have the biggest impact on me.

like, the victory curtains and blinds radio ad.
“Victory, victory, curtains and blinds, one three one three double nine.”
Go to their site, you can listen to it.

how about the Shannon’s insurance one.
“Shannons, one three nine, oh oh six”

watching/listening to those ads, you’d think they’re really bad advertising, but when i look back, i suppose they are good ads, because their telephone numbers are now permenantly stuck in my head.

then there’s really stupid ads like the mcdonald’s cajun mcnuggets one.
where they have 6 ppl trying the nuggets, and dipping it into the spicy sauce. and after eating it, they all rush to different source of waters. (fish bowl, vase, and i can’t remember what)
the ad is so stupid, yet after watching it so many times in a day, i couldn’t help myself getting a pack after sending weipz home.
it didn’t help that i passed 3 McDonald’s when i sent her home. and 2 of them were still open.

and when i think of good ads, those really nice and creative ones, i realise that they do nothing to me other than me saying, “hey that’s a nice ad. i like it.”

so, i guess i must be stupid to have stupid advertisements have an impact on me.

i fall, and then get back up, only to fall again, and back up again, and fall even harder.

it’s getting to be such a routine that it’s tiring.

i just wish i could walk away from everything for good. and start afresh.

i feel like a hypocrite.

i miss you, i wonder if i still matter to you.

i was taking my usual Sunday afternoon nap, when i heard the sound of keys opening the main door.

it gave me a fright because i knew i’m supposed to be home alone. the doctors weren’t coming home till next weekend. so who could it be?

and then they all walked in. Mummy, papa, and dianne.
i was stunned. shocked. lost for words.

“What are you all doing here?”

mummy came to the bed, disgusted at all the stuff lying on the bed, and came and hugged me telling me they knew how miserable i was.

it was such a good feeling, having them home.

but too bad, it was just a dream.
but in a good way, it was nice.