between reality and dreams ..

i got back my assignment marks..
on one hand, i’m relieved.
on the other, i’m not satisfied.

how now brown cow?

am i asking too much of myself without putting enough effort?

maybe it’s because i come from a family of too-high-achievers.
and i feel i never measure up.

my sister says i’m better than her in bejeweled.
but my brother is better than me.

i may be doing the ‘creative’ thing,
but my siblings are much more creative than me.
my younger sister learnt illustrator on her own.
i paid AU$1000+ to learn it. and still suck at it.

i may be better than most people in word racer,
that’s because of years of being bullied in boggle.
but even my younger sister is better than me in it.

anyway, thanks for all the input you guys gave for my assignment.
i got 80/100 for my watch.
reason i’m not satisfied is because many people got 90+.
there was a moment last week when i felt i passed up the wrong one, but i doubt i’d get any higher with the other watch.
what’s done is done.

i proved myself i’m not that stoopid.
i found 11 out of 13 things in the Crimson Room

it’s funny how i see a photo of a certain someone on person A’s photos, and then i form bad thoughts about person A even though i don’t know person A.

one photo out of so many, and it was enough to annoy me.
why am i so bitter?

there are times when i cherish my time alone, to be able to go out without feeling that i need to call someone to tag along.

and then there are times when i feel so alone, that going out alone just feels so empty. and everywhere you look, you see a couple or a group of people having so much fun.

and it’s during these times, that i question myself, “am i desperate because i want companionship? or am i really bursting with ‘love’ that i need to share it with someone?”

i’ve been alone for so long, and i’ve had opportunities to see how other people’s relationships are..
and most of the time it’s been an eye opening experience.
the things that made me uncomfortable, were the same things i used to do.
all the insecurities, the disregarding of other people, the ‘in our own world’ kinda things.

i wonder, have i become more mature by saying i am not that kind of person anymore?
or am i just jealous of what others have that i don’t.

i struggle with words..

i guess the brilliant Lim genes skipped me.
i’m always in awe when i read my dad’s stuff, or my sisters’ or my brother’s.

i am an immitator.

i can never come up with my own phrases.
growing up, when i had to do karangan, i’ll always copy ideas from that karangan book.. Hj. Salleh or something or other. can’t remember the name already.
even my favourite phrase, “demi mencapai wawasan 2020,” came from my tuition teacher.

i wish there was easier ways of saying what i mean without words..
it’s even harder in the online world where people can’t perceive my emotions.

i guess i just have to keep reminding myself, sarcasm does not work online.

if we’re gonna mess the bed when we sleep, why bother making your bed?

if the car’s gonna get dirty again, why bother washing it?

if the food is gonna get shitted out, why bother eating?

if we’re gonna forget everything after exams, why bother studying?

you can tell i’m a lazy person, can’t you?